Schedule For Tomorrow | The Avocado Papers

SCHEDULE FOR TOMORROW All times U.S. Eastern Standard unless otherwise indicated.
8:00 AM	Breakfast (continental).
9:00 AM	Accidentally burn own house down while playing with propane blowtorch.
9:30 AM	Pump up by listening to "We Built This City On Rock and Roll" v. loud.
10:00 AM	Lay waste to dozens of small-to-medium-sized villages in what is now southern Portugal. When asked to apologize, do not apologize. When pressed, shrug shoulders and say, "Dude..."
11:30 AM	Puppet show. During performance, become v. interested in puppetry arts; resolve to become puppet expert.
12:15 PM	Pillage former villages (see above). Belatedly remember that pillaging is not cool; rationalize behavior by noting that they would do exactly same if they could drive and owned 1949 Buick Roadmaster with optional hood-mounted 80mm cannon.
12:45 PM	More puppet show if still going on.
1:00 PM	Look up "puppets" on Wikipedia. If no entry for "puppets," try "puppetry." (Also try common misspellings like "pubbit," "pupet," etc.) Use internet to learn about pupetry in preparation for becoming pubbit expert.
2:15 PM	Die of bubonic plague. Will involve maggots, rotting flesh. Wear bug repellent and totally remember first-aid kit, deodorant.
3:30 PM	Late lunch on account of earlier puppet stuff/plague.
4:15 PM	Receive surprise visit from Interpol re former Portuguese villages. Explain was big misunderstanding on account of "ESL-related issues." When time is right, slip away for a moment and retrieve wire brush. When agents do not buy ESL thing, shove brush down own mouth/trachea and begin removal of lungs using quick up-and-down strokes. Also casually see if they know why "Portugal" and "Portuguese" are spelled differently.
5:15 PM	Continue online research re puppetry. Come to understand that puppetry is part art, part science. See if Wikipedia entry for "puppet master." Acknowledge that while have learned great deal re puppetry, becoming puppet expert will take days. Reflect on this and become discouraged; say "well, fuck this" under breath.
7:30 PM	Quiet reading time.
8:00 PM	Get "second wind" re puppets. See if puppet-related domains are available such as "puppets.com", "mypuppetexpert.com", "e-puppets.com", "puppetsisourspecialty.com", "doyoulikepupets.com", "puppits.com", "puppetshoppe.com", "puppetree.com", etc. Also check for common misspellings, as above.
5:30 PM (PST)	As form of social commentary/experiment, return to former Portuguese villages with bulldozer, but only to see look on people's faces when they see giant yellow bulldozer coming at them (i.e., do not actually destroy any more people/things). Record reactions w/videocamera mounted on roof of bulldozer if bulldozer has roof. If bulldozer doesn't have roof, attach videocamera to front grille with superglue.
9:30 PM	Feel as though thing with bulldozer was overkill; write apology notes in crayon. Also deliberately set fire to portion of own house which was not accidentally destroyed in AM. Afterwards, call up fire department on cell phone and tell them of plans to burn down remainder of house but be persuaded by them not to do it. Joke will be on them because house will already be 100% missing.
10:15 PM	Rethink setting earlier fire. Remember about puppet thing and forget about fire and about no longer being homeowner.
10:30 PM	Switch to ballpoint pen (apology notes). Except, realize that having abandoned apology note gesture because didn't have anyone's address, crayon-vs.-pen thing is irrelevant.
11:00 PM	Give impromptu speech to U.N. General Assembly re Zimbabwe. Realize halfway though speech that know v. little about Zimbabwe; change topic to puppetry. Bring puppets so in case Khrushchev in bad mood, can defuse tension using puppets, demonstrating in no uncertain terms value of puppets/puppet experts in bringing about world peace. See if Colin Powell there; if so, become involved in conversation with him but fall asleep during conversation. If/when woken up by him, say "whoa WHOA, hands OFF!!" while still half-asleep. Later, whisper something important in ear of European head of state.