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My Growing Hairs
Trial By Fire
Just Ask Me!!!
Afternoons At the Nothingburger Cafe
In Denial, Part II
Clock #29
Twenty Trillion Stories You Haven't Read Yet
New Music, In Brief
Janine in Los Angeles
archives...
T · H · E
You
can't
put that
stuff in
your
mouth,
you
idiot."
Frank
had a
way of
telling
it like
he saw
it. "Man,
some-
times
I think
I hooked
up with
a god-
damn
moron."
The
thing
Frank
didn't
under-
stand
about me
- one of
the
things,
anyway -
was that
moron
spelled
back-
wards
spelled
norom.
That got
me
through
a lot of
lonely
nights.
When the
cattle
cars
finally
came,
me and
Frank
wan-
dered
around
the back
for a
quick
Yoohoo,
but by
then,
every-
thing
had gone
to hell.
"Why,
why,
why,"
Larry
(Frank's
account-
ant)
said,
I think to
Y
O
U
C
A
N
'
T
P
U
T
T
H
A
T
S
T
U
F
F
I
N
Y
O
U
R
M
O
U
T
H
,
Y
O
U
I
D
I
O
T
.
"
F
R
A
N
K
H
A
D
A
W
A
Y
O
F
T
E
L
L
I
N
G
I
T
L
I
K
E
H
E
S
A
W
I
T
.
"
M
A
N
,
S
O
M
E
T
I
M
E
S
I
T
H
I
N
K
I
H
O
O
K
E
D
U
P
W
I
T
H
A
G
O
D
D
A
M
N
M
O
R
O
N
.
"
T
H
E
T
H
I
N
G
F
R
A
N
K
D
I
D
N
'
T
U
N
D
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R
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T
A
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A
B
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T
M
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-
O
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O
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T
H
E
T
H
I
N
G
S
,
A
N
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W
A
Y
-
W
A
S
T
H
A
T
M
O
R
O
N
S
P
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L
L
E
D
B
A
C
K
W
A
R
D
S
S
P
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L
L
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D
N
O
R
O
M
.
T
H
A
T
G
O
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A
L
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N
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G
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T
S
.
W
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E
C
A
T
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A
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A
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,
M
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A
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D
F
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A
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W
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D
A
R
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A
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K
F
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A
Q
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I
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O
O
H
O
O
,
B
U
T
B
Y
T
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N
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V
E
R
Y
T
H
I
N
G
H
A
D
G
O
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E
T
O
H
E
L
L
.
"
W
H
Y
,
W
H
Y
,
W
H
Y
,
"
L
A
R
R
Y
(
F
R
A
N
K
'
S
A
C
C
O
U
N
T
A
N
T
)
S
A
I
D
,
I
T
H
I
N
K
T
O
A · V · O · C · A · D · O
himself more than any-
thing. "We always get
stuck doing the stuff
that nobody else wants
to do. We always get
the short end of the
stick. Screw them."
Larry sometimes went
off like this - blah,
blah, blah, whatever.
Spoons and forks,
whatever. The point to
him was always that
there was no point,
except maybe for the
point on his pointy
ass. "Jesus," I said,
"Give it a rest, pal.
There's only so much
Mork Dishwashing Li-
quid to go around. No,
no, no." (Yeah, like
that mattered, was all
anyone could think in
those days of clammy
spam and Sprite.)
"None of that's avail-
able, not since the
wreck. Man, you know
that - should know
that better than any-
one's cousin. Does the
word plesperous mean
anything to you?
Please say no - Please
say no." Real casual
and all. Like nothing
mattered anymore. Then
he picks up a bright-
green chunk of it and
sniffs it, licks it
with his tongue.
"First of all, you
can't put that stuff
in your mouth, you
idiot." Frank had a way
of telling it like he
saw it. "Man, some-
times I think I hooked
up with a goddamn
moron. The thing Frank
didn't understand
about me - one of the
things, anyway -
was that moron
H
I
M
S
E
L
F
M
O
R
E
T
H
A
N
A
N
Y
T
H
I
N
G
.
"
W
E
A
L
W
A
Y
S
G
E
T
S
T
U
C
K
D
O
I
N
G
T
H
E
S
T
U
F
F
T
H
A
T
N
O
B
O
D
Y
E
L
S
E
W
A
N
T
S
T
O
D
O
.
W
E
A
L
W
A
Y
S
G
E
T
T
H
E
S
H
O
R
T
E
N
D
O
F
T
H
E
S
T
I
C
K
.
S
C
R
E
W
T
H
E
M
.
"
L
A
R
R
Y
S
O
M
E
T
I
M
E
S
W
E
N
T
O
F
F
L
I
K
E
T
H
I
S
-
B
L
A
H
,
B
L
A
H
,
B
L
A
H
,
W
H
A
T
E
V
E
R
.
S
P
O
O
N
S
A
N
D
F
O
R
K
S
,
W
H
A
T
E
V
E
R
.
T
H
E
P
O
I
N
T
T
O
H
I
M
W
A
S
A
L
W
A
Y
S
T
H
A
T
T
H
E
R
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W
A
S
N
O
P
O
I
N
T
,
E
X
C
E
P
T
M
A
Y
B
E
F
O
R
T
H
E
P
O
I
N
T
O
N
H
I
S
P
O
I
N
T
Y
A
S
S
.
"
J
E
S
U
S
,
"
I
S
A
I
D
,
"
G
I
V
E
I
T
A
R
E
S
T
,
P
A
L
.
T
H
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R
E
'
S
O
N
L
Y
S
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M
U
C
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M
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K
D
I
S
H
W
A
S
H
I
N
G
L
I
Q
U
I
D
T
O
G
O
A
R
O
U
N
D
.
N
O
,
N
O
,
N
O
.
"
(
Y
E
A
H
,
L
I
K
E
T
H
A
T
M
A
T
T
E
R
E
D
,
W
A
S
A
L
L
A
N
Y
O
N
E
C
O
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L
D
T
H
I
N
K
I
N
T
H
O
S
E
D
A
Y
S
O
F
C
L
A
M
M
Y
L
P
A
M
A
N
D
S
P
R
I
T
E
.
)
"
N
O
N
E
O
F
T
H
A
T
'
S
A
V
A
I
L
A
B
L
E
,
N
O
T
S
I
N
C
E
T
H
E
W
R
E
C
K
.
M
A
N
,
Y
O
U
K
N
O
W
T
H
A
T
-
S
H
O
U
L
D
K
N
O
W
T
H
A
T
B
E
T
T
E
R
T
H
A
N
A
N
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O
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'
S
C
O
U
S
I
N
.
D
O
E
S
T
H
E
W
O
R
D
P
L
E
S
P
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R
O
U
S
M
E
A
N
A
N
Y
T
H
I
N
G
T
O
Y
O
U
?
P
L
E
A
S
E
S
A
Y
N
O
-
P
L
E
A
S
E
S
A
Y
N
O
.
"
R
E
A
L
C
A
S
U
A
L
A
N
D
A
L
L
.
L
I
K
E
N
O
T
H
I
N
G
M
A
T
T
E
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D
A
N
Y
M
O
R
E
.
T
H
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P
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C
K
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P
A
B
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T
-
G
R
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N
C
H
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A
N
D
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N
I
F
F
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T
,
L
I
C
K
S
I
T
W
I
T
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H
I
S
T
O
N
G
U
E
.
"
F
I
R
S
T
O
F
A
L
L
,
Y
O
U
C
A
N
'
T
P
U
T
T
H
A
T
S
T
U
F
F
I
N
Y
O
U
R
M
O
U
T
H
,
Y
O
U
I
D
I
O
T
.
"
F
R
A
N
K
H
A
D
A
W
A
Y
O
F
T
E
L
L
I
N
G
I
T
L
I
K
E
H
E
S
A
W
I
T
.
"
M
A
N
,
S
O
M
E
T
I
M
E
S
I
T
H
I
N
K
I
H
O
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K
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D
U
P
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A
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N
M
O
R
O
N
.
T
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F
R
A
N
K
D
I
D
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'
T
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D
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R
S
T
A
N
D
A
B
O
U
T
M
E
-
O
N
E
O
F
T
H
E
T
H
I
N
G
S
,
A
N
Y
W
A
Y
-
W
A
S
T
H
A
T
M
O
R
O
N
P · A · P · E · R · S
spelled backwards
spelled norom.
That got me
through a lot of
lonely nights.
When the cattle cars
finally came, me
and Frank wandered
around the back
for a quick Yoohoo,
but by then
everything had
gone to hell.
"Why, why, why,"
Larry (Frank's
accountant) said,
I think to him-
self more than
anything. "We
always get stuck
doing the stuff
that nobody else
wants to do. We
always get the
short end of the
stick. Screw"
them. Larry
sometimes went off
like this - blah,
blah, blah, what-
ever. Spoons and
forks, whatever.
The point to him
was always that
there was no,
point except may-
be for the point
on his pointy
ass. "Jesus, I
said, "Give it a
rest, pal. There's
only so much Mork
Dishwashing Liquid
to go around. No,
no, no." (Yeah,
like that mat-
tered, was all
anyone could
think in those
days of clammy
Spam and Sprite.)
"None of that's
available, not
since the wreck.
Man, you know
that - should
know that better
than anyone's cou-
sin. Does the
word plesperous
mean anything
to you? Please say
no - Please say
no." Real casual
and all. Like no-
thing mattered any-
more. Then he picks
up a bright-
green chunk of
it and sniffs
it, licks it
with his tongue.
First of all,
S
P
E
L
L
E
D
B
A
C
K
W
A
R
D
S
S
P
E
L
L
E
D
N
O
R
O
M
.
T
H
A
T
G
O
T
M
E
T
H
R
O
U
G
H
A
L
O
T
O
F
L
O
N
E
L
Y
N
I
G
H
T
S
.
W
H
E
N
T
H
E
C
A
T
T
L
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A
R
S
F
I
N
A
L
L
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,
M
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D
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D
A
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E
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O
O
,
B
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V
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R
Y
T
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I
N
G
H
A
D
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O
N
E
T
O
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E
L
L
.
"
W
H
Y
,
W
H
Y
,
W
H
Y
,
"
L
A
R
R
Y
(
F
R
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K
'
S
A
C
C
O
U
N
T
A
N
T
)
S
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,
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L
F
M
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R
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T
H
A
N
A
N
Y
T
H
I
N
G
.
"
W
E
A
L
W
A
Y
S
G
E
T
S
T
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C
K
D
O
I
N
G
T
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T
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F
F
T
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A
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B
O
D
Y
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A
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T
O
D
O
.
W
E
A
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W
A
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T
T
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S
H
O
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T
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N
D
O
F
T
H
E
S
T
I
C
K
.
S
C
R
E
W
T
H
E
M
.
"
L
A
R
R
Y
S
O
M
E
T
I
M
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W
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T
O
F
F
L
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T
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S
-
B
L
A
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,
B
L
A
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,
B
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A
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,
W
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A
T
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V
E
R
.
S
P
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A
N
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F
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S
,
W
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.
T
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P
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P
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A
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.
"
J
E
S
U
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,
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,
"
G
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P
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T
O
G
O
A
R
O
U
N
D
.
N
O
,
N
O
,
N
O
.
"
(
Y
E
A
H
,
L
I
K
E
T
H
A
T
M
A
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E
R
E
D
,
W
A
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C
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A
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M
Y
S
P
A
M
A
N
D
S
P
R
I
T
E
.
)
"
N
O
N
E
O
F
T
H
A
T
'
S
A
V
A
I
L
A
B
L
E
,
N
O
T
S
I
N
C
E
T
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W
R
E
C
K
.
M
A
N
,
Y
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K
N
O
W
T
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A
T
-
S
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D
K
N
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H
A
T
B
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A
N
A
N
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'
S
C
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I
N
.
D
O
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S
T
H
E
W
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R
D
P
L
E
S
P
E
R
O
U
S
M
E
A
N
A
N
Y
T
H
I
N
G
T
O
Y
O
U
?
P
L
E
A
S
E
S
A
Y
N
O
-
P
L
E
A
S
E
S
A
Y
N
O
.
"
R
E
A
L
C
A
S
U
A
L
A
N
D
A
L
L
.
L
I
K
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N
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I
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M
A
T
T
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A
N
Y
M
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.
T
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